Who is your audience?

I'm still reading Thomas Merton. His idea that jumped into my heart this week was

"If you write for God you will bring joy to many... if you write for yourself you will hate it and want to die."

Is this statement even true? Is our favorite contemplative monk showing histrionics or does he have a point? I think his statement relates to some of the ideas I wrote about earlier. Whenever we follow a calling to share love, we are not doing it for self aggrandizement because if we are, then we aren't sharing love, we are serving ourselves. Matthew 6:24 says we can't serve two masters, we either love God, or we love money (or ourselves, or the world and its stuff).

If we do everything to show our love for God, why do we bother to share our thoughts and words with others? If we are writing (or speaking or singing etc) for God, why does it need to be in public? Why can't we just make it a part of our prayer life?

It just so happens I have a story about that:

I was sitting in silent worship at my Quaker meeting about 20  years ago.  I suddenly got an idea that made my throat want to explode. I knew that I was either going to stand up and talk or I was going to throw up. Literally the thought was in my heart so quickly and ferociously that I really wasn't sure what words I was going to say. I stood up and said something about forgiveness and how it related to both the message given that day by our pastor and my situation in life at that time. I sat down, and I felt completely normal again, like nothing had ever happened. After the service was over, folks thanked me for sharing, but I honestly couldn't remember what all I had said. I think this is an instance when God meant for me to share a thought with othersf. This instance, and the several others that have come after it, are examples of doing something for God's glory, for God's people, and not for personal gain. If I hadn't gotten up, whether it be from shyness or lack of faith, then I wouldn't have been following God's lead. If I had gotten up with a message about my own interests, I wouldn't have been serving God either.

One of my favorite hymns says that we are God's hands and feet, and though it can mean that we are  part of the body of Christ that is mentioned in Romans 12:5, I also think that we are here to work for God, and working for God means sharing love.

Contemplating humility

I am reading Thomas Merton's book New Seeds of Contemplation where one of modern America's thinkers tries to pin down what contemplation is. Merton is pretty up front: contemplation is tricky to describe and even harder to direct. There is a significant fraction of the book describing what contemplation is not, if anyone finds that helpful (I am not even sure if it was helpful or not).

I'm trying to tackle this New Seeds of Contemplation because of my heart (the spriritual one, not the coronary one); I'm trying to grow in a relationship with God. One of the ways I'm trying to grow is to get myself to sit still long enough to listen for God. Some Quakers call it "Waiting Upon the Lord," and many from various faiths call it meditation, but learning about contemplation is fundamental to my understanding of the process. I'm learning to get myself out of the way so I can move forward. So even though I initially took up contemplation, much of my recent work and thought has revolved around humility.

Two quotes from Merton made me rethink humility. I used to think I had humility when I deflected a compliment or deprecated my accomplishment. Merton says, "In humility is the greatest freedom. As long as you have to defend the imaginary self that you think is important, you lose your peace of heart." My accomplishments or others' thoughts about my activities doesn't really matter in Merton's treatment of humility here, because I'm still dealing with my "imaginary self", the person I present to others for acceptance or rejection. It reminds me of how my teenagers constantly add ugly filters to any picture of themselves. "It's a joke," they say, but I think they are self deprecating to defend themselves from outside attack. They aren't being humble; they are just building walls. We aren't here to build walls, we're here to build God's kingdom. Building a kingdom is going to require us to listen to God without our hangups making too much noise.

As a monk, Merton ejected himself from wider society, presenting himself to God for acceptance or rejection; my understanding (which is limited) thinks this withdrawal from society frees Merton up for living an inner life that strives to connect to God without worrying about the societal hangups. In fact, my other favorite Merton quote (for today, anyway) speaks to humility in regards to visible virtue. He says, "Sometimes virtuous men are also bitter and unhappy because they have unconsciously come to believe that all their happiness depends on their being more virtuous than others." Merton got himself (and everyone else) out of the way in his seeking God. Many of us may hear clearly that our mission is to be among others, but we have to remember that we are not in competition with others for anything spiritual. We are around others to share God's love and learn from each other. When we put ourselves in the way, we pervert it into an ego trip that serves self.

I get in my own way all the time. During prayer time I get tied up in worrying about my stress instead of taking it to God in prayer. I would rather look at time killer activities rather than settle my mind and body to listen for God's message to me that day. I neglect important reading of the Bible and other texts I use to grow spiritually. Sometimes I sleep through the time I normally spend listening for and praying to God. 

Given this informal confession, I think humility would dictate that I just get back to practicing what I know is right -- no histrionics, no drama. Practice makes better, not perfect. If there is a visible difference in my life, I would hope that it would be in wisdom and a loving patience for my students, my friends, and my family. Humility is going to take a lot of practice, but I think it can take closer to where I want to be.